Public grieving banned in India

The Indian Ministry of Communications has taken radical but appropriate steps to curb violence against Moslems. The Indian Government in a desperate attempt to protect Moslems in India from guilt, has banned all Non-Moslems from grieving. D.S. Mathur, secretary for telecommunications, has informed the press that this ban will be effective starting Friday the 21st. He also substantiated the government banning the website www.mumbaihelp.blogspot.com which just lists the people (This website does exist and has been banned by the Indian government for reasons unknown – Source www.news.com) who have been hurt in the “Freedom Struggle” incident by saying “Well we don’t want Pakistan to think that we don’t like Moslems. Moreover we don’t want people to get angry when their kin is hurt or dead, we would prefer they realize this on their own. It is very simple if your loved one hasn’t come home since the 11th, they are dead; why do we need a website for that? India is a democratic and secular country and we intend to keep it that way and I also would like to apologize to the Moslem population for the commotion these deaths are causing.”

The logistics of such an undertaking would require phenomenal resources but the Indian government has decided fund it in wake of the seriousness of the problem. The DoT is drafting a new law where grieving Non-Moslem grievers would be severely and swiftly punished. It is rumored that funds from the educational department would be directed towards implementing this program. The Indian government has established an email address for all those who want to protest, it is www.direct-to-recyclebin@india.gov.
Pakistan's Foreign Minister Mehmood Kasuri, hailed the decision as a relationship builder but said “Well the damage is already done. My Moslem brothers are already feeling guilty and I hope the relatives of the dead are happy now. Manmohan was slow to act but well he at least acted.” It is anticipated that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh would render a personal apology to Moslems worldwide for the guilt they had to suffer because of the Mumbai incident. Ahmed Khan, who lost his father in the Mumbai Incident, was appalled at the Indian government’s patronizing behavior and apathy towards terrorism but was unavailable for comment.

Peace

Shaadi.com launches Shaadi-Online.com

The creators of Shaadi.com, one of the most popular Indian marriage websites, have decided to provide a new service to Brides and Grooms. This service which is soon to start would only be provided to Brides living in India marrying Grooms living outside the country. Shaadi-online is designed to alleviate the issues surrounding the cross continental marriages which have become common now-a-days. Some of the key features of Shaadi-online are:

It provides an “Employment Profile” of the groom which includes how long he has been on the bench, technologies he has been working on, expected income growth chart, would he be able to get a job in India and possibilities of getting fired. Another feature that Shaadi-online claims it has included after receiving an overwhelmingly positive response in the surveys they conducted is “Character Verification”. Although this service would come with a premium charge the demand for this utility is expected to outweigh the cost. Character Verification reports are expected to include personal interview with the prospective candidate, health reports, psychoanalytic profile, extensive reference checks and family background checks.

Shaadi-Online has also included an online marriage module in their package which has turned a number of heads. This module allows the couple to get married online with the help of a webcam. A common webcam link would be created and family and friends can watch the webcast on invitation. Rajini Komma of Hyderabad one of the pilot brides was very happy with the experience and said “It was very good, I have never met Rig (My husband) but he is an admin, makes around 90K and scored 85% on the character scale. We were lucky and the reference list, which was extensive, provided a lot of insight into what Rig makes. Now I’m sure that I can lead a good life with a big house and a car. Moreover Shaadi-Online assisted me with visa appointments. I’m very happy.”
Ram Jain, Shaadi-Online’s spokesperson, said “We are very fortunate to serve our home country and support its traditions. I like Hinduism because it is very spiritual and it is the oldest religion that subscribes to rejecting materialism as a path to enlightenment. We are very happy to serve such people and I want to wish Rajini Komma good luck. We have received positive feedback and I think there are a lot more girls like Rajini for the lucky guys living outside India.” It is expected that Shaadi-Online would be go live in the next week and already has received Character Report and Employment Profile requests to the point that they would have double their staff to meet the demand.

Peace