Province Town to become a little more gay

Inspired by the defeat of the recent attempt by the White House to ban gay marriage and the willingness of the society to accept homosexuals, Fabulous and Gay Society (FAGS) of Cape Cod, MA has decided to make their community a little more “Gay Friendly”. Rupert Crisp, Governor of FAGS – Cape Cod, announced today that he is going to push for a number of changes which would most likely be accepted by the Province Town city council. The crux of this new bill, named “Happyjack”, can be surmised by the following points:

Traffic light colors would be changed to be more gay friendly. Red lights are to be replaced with Alizarin Crimson, Yellow with Tangerine Lemon and Green with Olive drab malachite.

Government offices will have to post messages in Gaylick (Not to be confused with Gaelic) along with English. Government forms should ask sensitive questions like weight, year of birth and must accept personal headshots for license pictures.

Reduce taxes on gourmet coffee, Millivres Prowler products and Pottern Barn.

There has been a furor over the “Happyjack” bill especially from the “All Male Association” (AMA) of Hicksville, MS. Taylor Dinks of AMA said “How can we let this happen in our neighborhood. I don’t want my kids to see this atrocity. I will not let these guys defile Jesus.” Mr. Crisp of FAGS in response to this statement said “I don’t know what is bothering this hick. I think he should stop having kids with his sister and that way the future generations would be a little smarter. I’m sure Taylor has never been to Cape Cod and I don’t expect his kids to do any better. Moreover Mr. Dinks you don’t have to watch this atrocity as it will not be on CMT or Fox news.” When Mr. Dinks heard Rupert’s response he was fuming and said “Well that is how you look and talk when you have a plug up your butt. Moreover I would rather sleep with my sister than my brother.” When asked questions about American geography, Mr. Taylor Dinks proved to quite ill-informed badly misjudging the location of most American cities.

Peace

Paris planning a new show, also wants to help Africans

Paris Hilton, inspired by the recent surge of Hollywood superstars getting involved in Africa, has decided to pay a visit to the continent herself. Since UN has declined to be associated with Ms. Hilton, she decided to team up with another organization that is equally respected – Fox News to help Africans. Fox News executive producer Clay Emerson said that they are planning something in the lines of Ms. Hilton’s previous show “A simple life.” Mr. Emerson is quite optimistic about the project and said, “I’m excited to be working with Paris. Moreover we would be doing service to Africans by providing them with impeccable entertainment. The writers are working extra hard on this show to work in the African element and it will definitely do better than Ms. Hilton’s previous shows. Paris and Nicole would live with an African family in Sudan helping them cook and clean. The show would obviously have the charmingly innocuous goof ups by the stars like burning up food while trying to cook, accidentally opening the door to let the Janjaweed in or spilling the last pot of water. We are expecting it to be a heart warming and funny show.”

Ms. Hilton was a lot more excited about visiting Africa and went to say, “This is so exciting. Africa is hot. I hope Nicole comes along and if not we can still keep in touch as I have my T-Mobile sidekick. Angelina got a lot of press over it and I hope I can too. You have no idea how difficult it is to stay popular. People don’t want to see me anymore, not even naked. I understand the problems of the Africans and I can relate well because of some of my personal experiences. I want to help the Africans so I’m planning to teach them how to dress better.” Meanwhile former UN special representative to Sudan Jan Pronk expressed his surprise at the ability of Hollywood stars to predict what Africa needs and wants. He said, “I’m happy that Paris recognized the importance of improving the dressing standards in Sudan. Moreover her show would definitely be a welcome relief to the people of Sudan, who have been watching constantly watching violence.”

Peace

PS: Today is “World Refugee Day”.

Indian husband arrested for setting temperature too low under section 498A

Ramesh Tiwari, a software engineer living in Boulder - CO, has been arrested by the Indian police on charges of harassment under section 498A. Mr. Tiwari got married to Ms. Nisha Nagpur in 2004 and they started living as a married couple in Boulder from then on. Ms. Nagpur has filed a complaint in March 2006 claiming that her husband has been harassing her. Ms. Nagpur said, “Ramesh sets the temperature of the house to 69F even in the winter. It gets cold at night and he has a tendency to hog the comforter. I have tried using a higher thread count comforter but to no avail. I had warned him a couple times that I get cold at night and he usually suggests spooning as an alternative. I mean there is a limit to what one can take in terms of mental abuse and Ramesh has crossed it. The worst part of the episode is that I told the same to his mother but she conveniently claimed ignorance of whole Heating the house and translating the Fahrenheit into Celsius concept.”

Unlike many other women who consistently get abused by their husbands Ms. Nagpur came back to India and sought the help of a women’s liberation organization led by Ms. Jhansi Gandthode. Ms. Gandthode advised Nisha to file a case under section 498A against Mr. Tiwari and any other alleged perpetrators. Ms. Gandthode in a public statement said, “I’m a firm supporter of equality of genders. The horrendous acts of Ramesh have caused a lot of grief to my sister Nisha. All these men have no idea how difficult it is to sleep well at 69 F and that too with a low thread count comforter. Moreover Nisha’s husband made her watch a 35” TV while he could afford to buy a 55” and because of this Nisha now strains her eyes whenever she watches TV in general. This man is a monster and has to be taken down.”

Ms. Nagpur had filed a complaint to the police accusing Mr. Tiwari and his mother of harassing her mentally under section 498A. Section 498A of the Indian penal code was structured to protect women against abuse and has the following caveats:

01. The accused (This case the husband) is guilty until proven innocent.
02. The woman can file a complaint without any evidence as her statement is considered as evidence.
03. The woman can name accomplices in the crime and they will automatically be considered guilty until proven innocent.
04. The arrest is non-bailable
05. The woman cannot be prosecuted for perjury or sued for libel incase she is proven wrong.

Nirmala Tiwari, the octogenarian mother of Ramesh Tiwari, was taken in custody the next day. This prompt action was hailed by a number of women’s groups who are also demanding that the Indian government sign extradition treaties with other countries so that criminals like Ramesh Tiwari can be brought to justice quickly. Minister of Overseas Indian Affairs Vayalar Ravi promised the public that he would have treaties with most countries by the end of 2007. When asked by reporters if he was working towards extraditing Dawood Ibrahim from the Middle East, Mr. Ravi said, “Dawood is a secondary issue. I cannot standby and watch an Indian bahu being abused. For heaven’s sake she had to use a 128 thread count comforter and don’t you feel bad for the woman?”

Fortunately Ms. Nagpur did not have to wait for this treaty to be signed as Mr. Tiwari came to India upon hearing the news that his mother had been arrested. Ms. Gandthode accompanied the police who quickly made the arrest. The Indian media in one voice applauded the police and justice system for being prompt and fair. Ms. Arundathi Roy, a popular political activist, said, “This is great day for all the women of this great country but please keep in mind there are millions of Indian men living abroad. Let us hope that this animal called Ramesh Tiwari gets the death penalty so that it can serve as a lesson for others. 69 degrees is too cold.” According to legal pundits, Mr. Tiwari would most likely be given at least 8 years of imprisonment. Meanwhile protests against article 498A and the legality of the section silenced quickly as some of the protestors were booked under
498A.

Peace
PS: The law does exist and rules are as I mentioned above – well as far as my reading goes. Click on the title link to go to one of the 498A websites and follow the links for further reading.