Abu Ayyub plans to whip Iraqi al Qaeda into shape

Abu Ayyub al-Masri, the replacement for Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, has come out with radical reforms for Iraqi al Qaeda. Mr. al-Masri started off complaining about the lame picture the American government has used to identify him. He has already informed CIA that they can find his “Good Pictures” on www.hotornot.com under the pseudonym “Brown Chocolate”. Mr. al-Masri was also quite upset about the fact that the Smagh (The cloth around the head) made him look old-fashioned, hence he decided to replace it with either a baseball cap or a do-rag. He also has sent a message to the Jihadis in Iraq that he working very hard to come up with a logo that would shout al Qaeda without being garish or pedestrian.
Abu Ayyub was also concerned about the physical fitness of his followers. He said, “All we do now-a-days is suicide bombings. We are not even running a few miles a week. The other day Ahmed could not even fast walk when he encountered American forces. Well his situation is even worse now; he is in an American jail and has gained 35 pounds. What do you expect when you eat the American way. I’m hoping the Richard Simmons videos I ordered from overstock would do the magic.”



Mr. al-Masri is determined to solve the dry skin problems that many of his foreign fighters are encountering. He said that the bad dressing style coupled with lack of exercise and dry skin is killing their romantic prospects. He went to say, “People cannot wait that long for 72 virgins and I for one am stringently against animal abuse.” Mr. al-Masri is planning to establish a supply contract with Banana republic for skin softeners. He said, “I love peach and I’m praying to Allah that we can get peach/strawberry scented body lotions.” When asked about vision for al Qaeda, Abu Ayyub stated that he wanted to see his Jehadis as well groomed metro-sexuals – the kind that would make Jude Law jealous and kind of be a fashion trend-setting group for all Islamic terrorists.

Peace

India now offers reservations for Parliament seats!!!

In an unprecedented move the father of capitalist reforms in India, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh announced that he is planning to extend the reservation quota concept to the Upper and Lower houses of the Parliament. Mr. Singh substantiated his decision by stating, “What is good for the goose is good for the gander”. HRD Minister Arjun Singh criticized the decision saying that the concept of quotas in the parliament goes against the preamble of the Indian constitution, which states -
“WE, THE PEOPLE OF INDIA, having solemnly resolved to constitute India into a SOVEREIGN SOCIALIST SECULAR DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC and to secure to all its citizens:
JUSTICE, social, economic and political;
LIBERTY of thought, expression, belief, faith and worship;
EQUALITY of status and of opportunity;
and to promote among them all
FRATERNITY assuring the dignity of the individual and the unity and integrity of the Nation”

This monumental decision was hailed by the general public (Ir-respective of caste) of India, who vouched to force their parliamentary representatives to vote for this bill. Some of the avid supporters of this bill, anticipating a strike from the Members of Parliament, have gotten a Supreme Court injunction order that will crush any sort of retaliatory move by the MP’s. There are a number of political pundits who believe that such an injunction order is not very useful, as the absence of politicians would lead to phenomenal decreases in corruption in the country. Mayawati Kumari, the firebrand politician of BSP, is most likely to be elected as the new Prime Minister of India. Ms. Kumari in a press conference today said, “I will try my best to maintain equality in the country and regain the trust of the people of this great country. I also assure all the upper caste people that they will not be discriminated against. As a matter of fact I will institute reservations for the all the upper caste people who now will be known as “Formerly upper caste people.” In spite of numerous protests by the likes of Laloo Prasad Yadav condemning this promise of reservations for “Formerly upper castes” as a political ploy to retain votes, Ms. Mayawati Kumari is expected to stick to her new reservation policies.

Peace

Ann Coulter - The epitome of motherhood

Ann Coulter an American version of Mother Theresa was out flapping her mouth again. Well I actually enjoy her vicious rants as it provides color to the political scene being dominated Dreary Dick and Gutless Gore. Here is a collection of Ms. Coulter’s quotes –

"These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparrazies. I have never seen people enjoying their husband's deaths so much." -on 9/11 widows who have been critical of the Bush administration

"We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens' crème brulee. That's just a joke, for you in the media."

"Liberals love America like O.J. loved Nicole."

"There are a lot of bad republicans; there are no good democrats."

"We need to execute people like (John Walker Lindh) in order to physically intimidate liberals."

"Whether they are defending the Soviet Union or bleating for Saddam Hussein, liberals are always against America. They are either traitors or idiots."

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity."

"Liberals are stalwart defenders of civil liberties -- provided we're only talking about criminals."

"The New York Times editorial page is like a Ouija board that has only three answers, no matter what the question. The answers are: higher taxes, more restrictions on political speech and stricter gun control."

"My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building."

"Usually the nonsense liberals spout is kind of cute, but in wartime their instinctive idiocy is life-threatening."

"We've finally given liberals a war against fundamentalism, and they don't want to fight it. They would, except it would put them on the same side as the United States."

"If John Kerry had a dollar for every time he bragged about serving in Vietnam -- oh wait, he does."

"Press passes can't be that hard to come by if the White House allows that old Arab Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the President."

"The swing voters -- I like to refer to them as the idiot voters because they don't have set philosophical principles. You're either a liberal or you're a conservative if you have an IQ above a toaster."

Can you resist Ann – the epitome of Motherhood and everything that good in this world?

Peace